Do you guys like the new mascot? Koko the Owl. I don’t know if I’m alone here or just being a hater, but I’m not a fan. 

To be totally honest, all of my Koko critiques are quite arbitrary. First, Koko’s gender has not been made clear, making editing this article difficult. And who decides Koko’s pronouns, if not Koko itself? But most of all, I think Koko is weird looking and creepy, and I hate seeing it around campus. I swear, you could be having the worst day of your life fighting demons in L2, and Koko will come up and wave at you expecting attention. I’m not waving back at you in the library, bro.

Its pants are goofy, and it also has multiple shoes. One of which is a pair of Doc Martens. Respectfully, a full wardrobe for a costumed mascot is crazy. And why does it get its own golf cart and personal guide? Such a needy non-gendered owl. Apparently the guides are called “handlers” too? Genuinely, what in the world? Is my tuition going to Koko’s handlers? I’m mad about it if so.

Also, who is in there? I kind of get why it can’t be revealed, but does it have to be a secret? I would be dying to let people know that it was me and I were stealing the school’s money that way. I’d stage a grand unmasking when I graduate. 

I’ve also been thinking that it would be funny to plan and execute an ambush to reveal its identity. Imagine: A group of film students comes out to a football game, and while Koko is just hanging out on the sidelines doing a cheer, a three-person squad in all black and ski masks tackles it, holds it down and removes the mask by force. You might think it would be anticlimactic, but the website says the maskoteer could also be a faculty member. Imagine. It would be like a Scooby-Doo villain reveal. 

Also, you have to be between five-foot-two and five-foot-eleven inches to take flight as Koko. Literally ableist. Do you think any five-foot-one bros showed up just to show ’em they had what it takes? Imagine they have one of those height frames like before the Disney World rides: “You must be this tall to do the ride without parent permission.” 

I hate Koko. 

Robbie Lifson ’27 is a political science major from Sudbury, MA. He can be reached at lifson3@kenyon.edu.