As you walk down Middle Path, you may feel an eerie chill run down your spine. October is a month of goosebumps in two very different ways. First, as Halloween approaches, it’s hard not to find yourself in a sinister, spooky mood. Second, it’s really freaking cold. These are two undeniable facts of life on the Hill, and, as I’ve observed, this has caused a unique predicament: how is a college student supposed to wear a sexy costume in this weather? Well, modern problems require modern solutions, and this intrepid Collegian columnist has an idea.

As I’ve previously mentioned, I grew up in sunny Southern California, where I was surrounded by party animal college students and Kardashian-clone influencers. As a result, Halloween for me has always been a competition for who can wear the skimpiest costume. This kind of pageantry is easy where the average temperature in October is almost 80 degrees Fahrenheit, but those of us here at Kenyon who want to dress up as Sexy Gru or a Mischievous Minion are not so lucky. How on earth can one achieve the desired sensuality without sacrificing warmth and comfort? I present you with my solution: long underwear.

My fellow Owls, wear your crop tops! Wear your mini skirts! And underneath them, wear a nice, soft pair of long johns. I know what you’re thinking: Won’t that undermine the whole point of my costume? Well, herein lies my argument. I’m not merely suggesting the addition of long underwear to our Halloween wardrobes; I’m also arguing for a communal change in mindset. If we all choose to ignore this extra apparel, if we agree to absorb it into the sphere of socially acceptable fashion statements, then everyone can go about their Halloween festivities feeling both snuggly and seductive.

If you want to play it safe, I recommend a pair of nude fleece-lined tights. They’re subtle, they’re comfortable, and, most importantly for the broke college student, they’re cheap. You can pop over to Walmart or order a pair on Amazon without putting too much of a dent in your budget. They’re also a great winter investment to pair with a skirt or layer under jeans. Or if you’re feeling bold (which I certainly hope you are), get yourself a pair of tights or long underwear in a fun pattern. Polka dots, stripes, checkers — the options are endless. My personal recommendation is to get something seasonal. I want to walk down Middle Path and see your legs adorned with ghosts and pumpkins.

Now, I know flouting social norms can be scary, especially with the threat of anonymous ridicule via Yik Yak looming over everyone’s heads. That is why I will be taking the initiative and wearing long underwear regardless of what the rest of the student body does. I’ve been planning this year’s costume since Nov. 1 of last year, long before I knew I would be attending college in a subarctic climate, and I think I’ve come up with something pretty brilliant, the perfect synthesis of hot and humorous. I do not intend to sacrifice my comfort for the sake of fashion, so if you see me wearing long johns under my booty shorts, mind your own business.

Dorothy Yaqub ’26 is a columnist for the Collegian. She has not declared a major and is from Santa Barbara. Calif. She can be reached at yaqub1@kenyon.edu.