Section: Opinion

Straight outta Halloween

Straight outta Halloween

When I woke up on Sunday morning, I found the air strangely different. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it. I walked into the Lewis lounge to see if anybody was up for some brunch. Inside, I encountered fellow Lewis resident Brent Matheny ’19 snugly ensconced in a sweater. He looked at me and smiled.

“Merry Christmas,” he said, malevolently. Dear God, I thought to myself. It’s begun.

To me, Christmas spirit is a lot like potato chips. I buy a huge bag knowing that I have to make them last a long time, but within the hour I’m a crumb-covered mass of shame and regret. And thus, I am burned out on potato chips. Now insert Christmas into that overlong, embarrassing metaphor and you get how I feel.

It seems as if Christmas comes earlier each year, sweeping across the calendar like a Mongol horde, only stopping when it bashes against that sacred cultural bastion called Halloween.

Where does Thanksgiving go in all this, you ask? It is subjugated — a downtrodden province of the Holly Jolly Empire. Don’t believe me? Think about it. What is Thanksgiving but the traditional carb-load on the eve of the best shopping day of the year, where we buy presents for what holiday? That’s right. Christmas.

As soon as the months change, it feels like there’s tension in the air — like the entire earth wants to skip ahead a month and a half.

People start whistling Christmas tunes under their breath and then, like a spiraling drug addict, go into full-blown caroling. I even heard somebody play Vince Guaraldi in Storer on Monday. There was tinsel on Middle Path for god’s sake. Granted, that might have been for Relay for Life, but don’t act like you didn’t notice it’s Christmas-y look.

There’s no reason I should be the season police. After all, what harm could there be in extending a time of universal love and joy to two months from three weeks?

I’m the kind of guy who likes all his food separate. If there are peas and mashed potatoes, the line between them better be as clear as a Trump-designed border. The same goes for our other holidays. Maybe it could be Thanksgiving season for more than two days. Or, dare I say it, nothing season.

Can’t we just enjoy the time of year without having to frame it in the context of some holiday? I promise we can all get our conspicuous consumption on later.

And consider this: if the start of Christmas season gets bumped up to Nov. 1, what’s to stop fruitcake season from coming with it?

Grant Miner ’19 is undeclared from Sacramento, Calif. Contact him at minerg@kenyon.edu. Illustration by Elizabeth Norman. 

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