Section: Opinion

Trump for president of Kenyon

Election season is a wonderful time — just thinking about it makes me excited. The awkward dinner conversations, the desire to cause bodily harm to those who disagree with you and, last but not least, the fleeting sensation of having actual control over the byzantine juggernaut that is the U.S. government. Well, unless you disagree with the rest of the state. Then you don’t count.

I began to wonder: Who would be the best president of Kenyon? No, not like the D-Cat president, but an actual president of a fictional Democratic People’s Republic of Kenyon. Assuming we’re limited to one of the 21 Democratic or Republican current candidates, the answer is obvious: Bernie Sanders. What’s not to love? He’s a socialist, he’s committed to social justice and he’s oh-so-delightfully Jewish.It’s more than his platform, really. He seems so nice and open-minded — friendly and approachable. Just like Kenyon. Bernie is our best bet, right?

Wrong. Have you ever been to Kenyon? Perhaps someone with a little bit more … je ne sais quoi. Ah! I know. Donald Trump.I know what you’re going to say. How could he be the best fit for us? Let me explain. The most superficial reason is the hair. Yes, the hair. That well-coiffed superstructure that juts out serenely from atop Trump’s head. Is he bald underneath it?  As to his hair’s relation to Kenyon, look up from your paper. Look to your left. Now look to your right. See what I mean?

And then there’s the money. When it comes to dough, Trump is absolutely swimming in it. With a total tuition cost equivalent to the price of a Tesla Model S and a student body where 50 percent of students pay full price, it’s safe to assume that the number of Kenyon students could use a chunk of the Trump pie. Even his personality aligns with the Kenyon profile. Whenever Trump says something, he’s right — even when he’s wrong. He’s always the smartest guy in the room.Similarly, Kenyon kids are the smartest kids around, and they know it. When are we ever wrong about things? What are we, Denison students?

But enough about lifestyle and personality traits. Let’s get down to brass tacks. What are his politics? If there’s one thing that’s popular with college kids these days, it’s universal healthcare. Well, what a coincidence! That’s exactly what Trump wants, too. He’s just … umm … a little unclear about how he’s going to get that done. But that’s OK. Have you ever heard a first year back up his ideas to fix the nation with actual plans? How about free trade? Nobody I know likes those big corporations that bleed good, hardworking Americans dry by outsourcing all of their labor. And neither does Trump. With a proposed 20 percent tax on international goods and a plan to repatriate jobs that have been outsourced to China, Trump is pretty pro-American labor.

Well, there you have it. Trump is the man for us. He fights for the worker, for (selective) peace, and for hair. And who knows, maybe with all that Trump money we could finally afford more Peirce cups.

Grant Miner ’19 is undeclared from Sacramento, Calif. Contact him at


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