Section: Opinion

Football gone south, hand-foot-mouth: a year in review

By Griffin Burrough

Well, the 2014-2015 academic year is quickly coming to a close. Let’s take a look back at the highlights and bloopers of our year:

August: Orientation. Science kids quickly learned the harsh truth that they had to work during their orientation but hey, they got academic credit. Orientation officially began with that kid on Facebook, who was so excited to meet everyone, being conspicuously absent from every party.

September: You dropped that class that seemed exciting during registration. There was “hand-foot-and-mouth disease,” which was just something your doctor told you so he could take a break and use WebMD to find out what was happening to your body. Peirce turned 85, marking the 31,025th time they served pizza at Hearth.

October: Vandalism ensued around campus. Everyone sighed and said, “Really?” Yik Yak decimated the now-stagnant Kenyon Confessions. The Kappas officially went national to Alpha Sigma Tau, people smiled, nodded and returned to their lives.

November: The Master Plan turned 10, forcing us to remember that our trustees value bigger over better. The football team won a game. Fans stormed the field and the riot police were called for this unprecedented release of energy. Unfortunately the Lords couldn’t beat Oberlin College, proving once again that art students can play football better than English majors.

December: The PEEPS left Greek Council but nothing changed in their recruitment and activities, making everyone wonder why they were originally a part of Greek Life. Exams came around, tears were shed, blood was spilled, but everyone made it out with at least one arm and one leg.

January: New Year’s resolutions to do better were quickly broken. The 2020 plan continued to inspire debate — why keep what is pristine and beautiful when we could have something new and shiny (this just in: all of your professors have been switched with androids because newer is always better)? Rush week kicked off. Pledges were swayed by chocolate fountains and car-smashing. The Betas once again brought in the most recruits thanks to their speech about crushing all the hipsters in the market. Apparently people dislike fun, as pledging in 2015 was down significantly from 2014.
February: Yik Yak (or Yak, to those who are trying to appear cool to their weird friends) continued to be a place to complain about your daily bodily functions and poor decision-making. Yak had anonymous political debates over whether people like capitalism.

March: The highs of Spring Break were achieved and the fall back to earth broke a few things on the way down, but a good time was had by all. Returning home, you were yelled at to get a job or figure your life out. Classes resumed as Kenyon students entered the home stretch. We had the intense JStreet/SJP/pro-Israel camp debates. People walked in with strong opinions and left with those strong opinions thoroughly unchanged.

April: Shock Your Mom came, but some things are better left forgotten if they haven’t been already. The dread of oncoming finals was felt by all. Every a cappella group tried to out-warble the others as the rest of us sat back and enjoyed. Sendoff is right around the corner and with it thoughts of summer and next year.
Or maybe not. What do I know anyway? I’m just a stupid freshman complaining because obviously no one else is good enough at it.

Griffin Burrough ’18 is undeclared from Summit, N.J. Contact him at burroughe@kenyon.edu.

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