By Griffin Burrough

If you’ve ever eaten a meal with me, you’ve probably heard that I believe I can outrun a bear. I feel that when presented with a bear intent on eating me, it’s smarter to try to outrun it than it is to try to scare it. My father figure, Fletcher Hartman ’18, informs me that a bear can run 22 miles per hour and that there’s no way in hell I can outrun a bear. Nevertheless, I feel running is the best course of action. But do you know what’s a worse idea than trying to outrun a bear? Poking the bear. That sounds like a dumb idea, indeed. But let’s do it anyway.

Spring break is great, isn’t it? Do you know what isn’t great? Being punished for having spring break. You know exactly what I mean. To get to our glorious freedom we have to run over hot coals and broken glass. Yes, I’m talking about midterms. “But Griffin, midterms happen because it’s the middle of the term and they are a necessary part of your course.” I’m not complaining that we have midterms; I’m complaining that we have all of our midterms on the same two days.

By the time you read this you will have survived Wallowing Wednesday. For all who pass this day, Friday is tomorrow. I’ve known people to have four midterms on the same day. Now, if a student does badly on a test, it’s the student’s fault. If an entire class does badly, it’s the teacher’s fault. If the entire population does badly on their midterms, it’s the system’s fault and it’s time for a change.

So now that the hype is built up I better have a damn good solution to this potential conundrum. I don’t have a brilliant mic-drop-worthy solution; I simply ask that professors think of how much work students have. Professors, don’t assign midterms on Woeful Wednesday or Failing Friday. Instead, look to Majestic Monday or even the week before. After all, students have enough to do this week.

John Nash, eminent game theorist, made his name with a simple idea: Adam Smith was wrong. Instead of everyone doing what’s best for themselves individually, everyone should do what’s best for themselves and also helps the group. Our group of Kenyonites needs to work together. No longer should we be staying up through the long hours of the night because we have French, economics and statistics midterms on the same day. Instead we should be up til 2 a.m on different nights studying for each of them. It falls to you, our esteemed professors, to think about what’s best for the group and not all assess students on the last day before break. It’s spring break, after all; we shouldn’t be punished for it. Now excuse me, but I have to outrun an angry mob of bears.

Griffin Burrough ’18 is undeclared from Summit, N.J. Contact him at burroughe@kenyon.edu.