Dear Lauren,

     I want to kiss boys, but I have mono! Should I kiss them anyway, and allow them to bear the consequences while I pretend not to notice? Or should I do a public service and refrain from this activity, even though I am so stunningly attractive that almost everyone wants to steal my kisses?

     Please help me with this moral dilemma.

          Sincerely,

          Your Mono Makeout Majesty

Dear Mono Makeout Majesty,

      A couple of things come to mind with your interesting-but-not-altogether-uncommon situation. In all my years at Kenyon, there has been a mono outbreak every year, and each time students were able to piece together where the disease originated. My first year, the mono outbreak began in upper Lewis and spread to second-floor Mather. And guess what? We all knew who started it. Do you want to be that girl? Do you want to be known as Mono Makeout Girl who started a plague? If so, then I send you off with my best wishes and a whole-hearted encouragement of: “You go, Glen Coco!” If not, well, then I’m going to have to advise that while it may be difficult to deprive others of what they so clearly want — you — for the sake of anonymity, you’d better refrain.

      In addition, while I’m not technically qualified to give out medical advice — though I’d argue I’ve seen and undergone a fair number of alcohol-related medical situations and could probably be a doctor — I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that most of the times you’ve been kissing boys has been under the influence of alcohol. If this is the case, I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t be drinking if you have a disease that causes your liver to swell up so that alcohol goes straight to your liver (aka instant liver damage). We’ve all taken years off our lives with the amount of drinking we’ve done in college; let’s not completely end it so soon. Remember: you have a lot of kisses left to give.

      Or you could always kiss boys whom you know won’t be kissing any other girls because they’re so overjoyed that they get to have your kisses. That way, you not only control the spread of the disease but also you’ll have total power over your very own boy posse. In which case, as female goddess/pop artist Beyoncé would say, “Who run the world? Girls.”

 

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