THE VILLAGE RECORD

Jan. 18-Jan. 25, 2015

Jan. 18, 7:46 p.m. — Underage, intoxicated student found consuming alcoholic vapor and blasting Madonna’s latest single in North Campus Residential Pod Cluster. SafetyBot responded immediately. Hospital monorail not necessary.

Jan. 20, 11:01 p.m. — Student hoverboard collided with aluminum tree. SafetyBot cauterized student’s wounds and administered topical first-aid gel. Student healed within five seconds. Hospital monorail not necessary.

Jan. 21, 12:38 a.m. — Underage, intoxicated student found on 16th floor of Norton Residence Hall carrying canister of narcotic-infused helium. SafetyBot responded, holographic familial intervention scheduled. Hospital monorail called, but sent away.

Jan. 21, 3:02 a.m. — Underage, intoxicated student found in Global Transportation Center attempting to reserve a hovercraft fleet to attend Coachella music festival. SafetyBot responded and deleted reservation request.

Jan 21, 2:16 p.m. — Mount Vernon bullet train hit by rogue animatronic deer while transporting students to showing of “Rocky CXII.” Minor damage sustained. MaintenanceBots responded, fixed both parties before scheduled show time.

Jan. 22, 1:50 p.m. — Genetically modified marijuana found growing in Kenyon Farm’s level II atmospheric greenhouse. Drug disguised in patch of SuperKale. SafetyBot removed plants.

Jan. 24, 12:33 a.m. — Potentially dangerous physics department equipment stolen from Mars Laboratory 3. Door’s K-Card reader incinerated, possibly by a class IV civilian heat ray. Students apprehended and banned from Kenyon space transportation.

Jan. 24, 1:25 a.m. — Underage, intoxicated student found floating in Kenyon Athletic Center’s zero-gravity badminton court while consuming liquid alcohol. SafetyBot helped student readjust to Earth’s gravitational pull.

Jan. 24, 4:15 a.m. — Couple found etching initials into force field surrounding the Hill. SafetyBot responded, administered “Delinquent Student Lecture.exe.”

Jan. 25, 3:17 p.m. — Student fell on ice on Middle Path. SafetyBot responded, slipped on ice and malfunctioned. Hospital monorail required for both parties.