“Can two heterosexual people truly have a platonic relationship?” The question may be a bit loaded and even cliche, the subject of passionate debates by viewers of When Harry Met Sally. And truthfully, reader, you’re not wrong for thinking so. But is it cliche, or just a question that the people continue to wrestle with in one way or another? After all, research suggests that while platonic heterosexual friendships can occur, romantic feelings often arise. But is this true for our tiny campus in the middle of the Ohio Valley? By speaking to various students and professors on campus, this article attempts to find out. So, Kenyon, what’s your take on this age-old question?
“Oftentimes it’s harder for platonic relationships to work out, but I do think there are rare occasions when it can actually work,” Esmé Towles ’27 said. While believing these relationships are hard to achieve, Towles explained that she has many male friends whom she has never seen in a romantic context. What it comes down to, she argues, is how the relationship began: “I think when you guys start hanging out more and more because one of you has a crush, and one person suppresses that crush, the feelings always come back.”
Faye Wishnack ’28 also discussed the importance of how a relationship begins, and how that can determine whether a friendship stays a friendship. “I think it’s definitely hard to be friends with someone if the first thing is being attracted to someone romantically or sexually,” Wishnack began. “I think it’s more reasonable for a relationship to develop out of a platonic friendship than a platonic friendship to develop out of some sort of sexual attraction.” Beyond how a relationship begins, Wishnack acknowledged that this question is rooted in how men and women are socialized, as “it asserts the idea that men and women are inherently different mentally; it serves to divide us more.”
Similarly to Wishnack, Madeline Regnier ’27 argued that gender socialization is imperative to this question. She explained, “You have to look at your own framing, and you look at how you’ve been socially trained. I do think, though, that women are raised to have a lot more shame about developing relationships with their friends because it feels like they’re losing at feminism.” Reframing this debate in a feminist point of view, Regnier said, “Some modern views of feminism mean that proximity to masculinity and having male friends is proof of progress or development, and falling back into those stereotypical gender roles can sometimes feel as though there is failure, but with men [it’s different] and they may not feel that and that’s why we always see them confessing [attraction] to their friends.” Nonetheless, Regnier remains optimistic that “men and women can be friends and have very complex friendships. Not just surface level, they can develop into something very beautiful.”
Regnier also challenged concepts of romantic attraction as well: “I think that sometimes comfort gets mistaken for romantic attraction. Romance is inherently so uncomfortable, and you just have to be willing to put yourself in a place of so much discomfort. Or, just unease, or unexpectedness. So I think that sometimes what is an appeal for a lot of people to be like, ‘Well, when I’m looking to date somebody new, I would go for [someone] that I’m friends with first.’ So I understand people who say, ‘Your friends make your best partners.’ I also think that there is some truth to that.”
Do your friends make your best partners? “Friendship is a great launch pad for something longer and deeper,” Alexandra Bradner, a visiting assistant professor of philosophy who teaches Philosophy of Love, explained. “Aristotle identifies three forms of friendship, and the highest form, friendship of virtue, is long-lasting and other-regarding, but also useful and pleasurable.”
Samuel B. Cummings Professor of Psychology and Chair of the Department of Gender and Sexuality Studies Sarah Murnen also gave her insight: “There’s a very predominant heterosexual script; it probably makes it difficult, because I think that any kind of interactions between women and men who are heterosexual are very sexualized. … They’re not really socialized to be friends.” The issue is that our preconceived sexualization of mixed-gender relationships is a reflection of gender essentialism in our society at large. Still, she vouched that friends can, and do, make great partners, as “it is better to start a relationship with friendship characteristics, and then hopefully there is passion there as well.”
But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Limited by its binary view of gender and discussion of heternormative relationships, this article isn’t representative of all Kenyon students. In the future, I’d love to extend this discussion to queer social dynamics on campus and get more opinions. Until then, Bradner suggests we “get good at friendships!” (Whatever that means!)