By Derek Dashiell
A while ago, I saw a magazine cover advertising pictures of a certain star “without makeup!” and a few days ago, someone linked me to an article on buzzfeed.com that promised pictures of over 30 porn stars with and without makeup. Stories like these have been around forever, but they appear to be becoming trendy again. I was skimming the comments of the article when I saw someone had said, “Hey guys, we should just start hooking up with the makeup, cut out the middleman.” A reply said something to the effect of, “Way ahead of you. I’ve been banned from Sephora stores statewide.”
These gentlemen seem to have stumbled onto something in their musings, and so I now must make a modest proposal to the men of this college: Why don’t we, as a group of intelligent men, do just that? Why don’t we pursue what really makes us happy?
The convenience of this idea is its brilliance. Think about how much you spend buying girls drinks, paying for whatever you need to keep them happy, some of you buying new clothes for them. Then, think about how much time is spent acquiring their favor; after all, some say girls are time and money. You’re waiting for hours, sometimes working for dozens, and you don’t necessarily know that your lady will be interested enough to pursue you in return. In this scenario, we can just put clear bottles of makeup on a thin table and pump out house bass underneath it so the bottle’s contents begin to jiggle. You can even mull around them to select a preferred one, while pretending that you are competing with other men for the favor of the one they are eyeing.
For more classy affairs, you could take out a nice pair of high heels; for more crass indulgence, tall stilettos. Modeling and its more perverted subclasses could be done quite tastefully with a one-hundred-dollar push up bra, and perhaps some high end jeans. For burlesque enthusiasts, a corset could be purchased at certain stores. In fact, with the proper hairpiece, and perhaps a low-hanging necklace or, in some cases, a tasteful belly button piercing, almost an entire woman could be replicated for nights of lusty carnal expression. If one needs a little edge to their amore, they may smear some lipstick onto the more illicit parts of the reproduced woman (at differing rates of course; we must keep things interesting); because nothing seems to make a man hotter than a lacy bra and a container of foundation. Even something quite easy could satisfy a man at any time, such as a shower with women’s shampoo.
This would solve many of our problems in courtship: jealousy; expense of the purse, the mind, and the watch; and the general inconveniences that come with the elaborations of courtship and the romancing of the fairer sex, for both the men and the women of this school and, indeed, this society. For men, do please keep in mind that this would not only benefit the men of this project. It would also be most productively helpful to those women, who would actually be able to get on with their day and not worry about the guys who complain about how ugly girls look without makeup and about how long it takes the women to put it all on.
Thus, I do beseech the men of this fine institution to consider this humble author’s latest opinions. I do believe that everyone has something to gain from this course of action. Although, it would be irresponsible of me to not remind us men to begin to check the age of those trying to shop in Bath & Body Works, lest bath salts become news once again.
Derek Dashiell ’16 is a prospective English major. He has a longtime, monogamous partner in a purple satin bra stuffed with Kleenex. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org