Section: archive

Ask a Lord, Ask a Lady

By Staff

Last weekend, while drunkenly macking on a lady-friend, I tactfully excused myself to use the facilities. After washing my mouth out thoroughly, I returned to said hook-up and got right back to it. If she noticed or cared, she didnt say so, but I cant help but feel awful about it. Should I?

Lady: What does washing my mouth out thoroughly even mean? Did you use soap and water because you were in Old Kenyon and felt awkward about using someone elses toothbrush (which you shouldve felt awkward about; toothbrushes are sacred; you do not mess around with them without permission)? Or was it some ridiculous camping scenario where you just frantically squirted toothpaste on your finger and rubbed it all over your teeth? Was there mouthwash involved? These are serious questions.

Lord: Gross, but kudos on pulling off a classic boot-and-rally without your hook-up knowing, I guess? (But, of course, she probably knew).

Lady: Of course she knew! You went away and returned with minty-fresh breath. How dumb (or drunk) do you think she was?

Lord: Which brings me to the second point: if she knew and she did then you mustve done a bang-up clean-up job. Look, theres no shame in the boot-and-rally; weve all done it at some point. And theres no straightforward way to tell a lady-friend that you just vomited: in very few social contexts is that not a serious mood-killer. Perhaps in a perfect world, you would soberly explain to your lady-friend why your mouth is suddenly worthy of starring in an Orbit commercial, but who does that? What matters is that you handled the situation with tact, as a Lord should.

Lady: Yeah, but the thing is that its still super gross. Theres a certain limit to how much we can trust toothpaste, and vomit-mouth seriously crosses that line. I mean, if she was still into it after your glorious return, I guess its okay maybe shes into the lingering taste of vomit; who knows, we dont judge but man, this question still gives me the shivers. Long story short: feel a little awful, but not fully awful. Maybe like 60% awful, 40% proud of yourself.

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